*makes eye contact* Fathers, Uncles, Grandfathers, Stepfathers, Brothers and ANY-one in the caretaker role,
“You are seriously bullshitting when you complain that people are soft, the world is changing so fast but refuse to accept or respect other‘s way of life.”
~Kendrick Avant~
Let’s start there. WE can start there. As a staff, record label and crew, we will harmoniously sing that the younger generation lacks OUR courage and resiliency. Across cultural gaps, despite financial chasms between groups, the one thing we, fathers & caretakers, champion is that the very ones we raise, push and love are IN-adequate, not good enough nor are their chosen lifestyles worth our acceptance.
Read that again. 👀.
I’ll write it again, less words, straight to the point, no chaser. *lights funny, green cigarette*
Dads, the only thing we agree on is that our kids & family don’t measure up.
We’ll stare at each other, point fingers, beat our chest. We’ll ramble their accomplishments & SWEAR I’m wrong but… Look y’all, I’m talking about things besides sexual orientation, education, income, titles. Those are the easy ones to identify that we harp on and disagree over. That is the issue threatening the strong, unified family front all fathers dream. We push our kids to align with whatever our vision blazes. Those disagreements destroy families every day.
There are other things we disagree over. More issues & lifestyles we allow to infect the love we worship for family. We are corroding our families over the medical treatment of loved ones. We believe the articles carry more weight than the testimonials of those suffering from incurable illness, unseen hardships and chronic pain. There are Fathers among us clinging to a dying rationale that marijuana is addictive, evil and unworthy of medical usage. There are Daddies among us arguing that legalities supercede a loved one’s pain. There are Guardians among us ignorant, OR intentionally negligent that their rich words, actions and behavior, deepens our depression. In a world chock with racism, stereotypes & sincere misunderstandings, Uncles are lacing the future of their loved ones with danger and brutality under keywords and trigger phrases, “I fear ____’s mental health…” JUST because a patient dislikes the medication & advice of a specific, healthcare provider. These parents and guardians are toxic. All of you. All of us. Each one. We are extending the distance between ourselves and those loved ones. We are ushering our troubled family members towards shitty decisions in search of solace, peace from US. I speak as that family member, distant yet talkative, smiling yet cautious. I’m the family member who accepts your bullshit isn’t intended to harm me and haven’t told you how close to the edge I am. Hi. *bows*
Now; if you’re interested in helping, I have some ideas.
1.) Start a Gratitude Journal – I’ve stated several times before and will continue to do so. That Gratitude Journal is a MONSTER tool of changing perspectives and putting mindset OVER bullshit. It does that reducing the number of negative thoughts. The energy and attention of writing those WHY statements means LESS time considering those negative thoughts of OUR situations. Less time wondering if WE are making the best decision. More time on the GOOD surrounding you so you’re actively being appreciative for your own perspective.
2.) Learn YOUR love language and the language of those around you – Each is different and requires a different approach. You, WE, must be better at recognizing how to communicate, not WHAT to communicate. One of the initial steps to OVER-standing what, love language.
• Touch
• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Quality Time
Acts of Service
3.) Listen to our WHY – It takes some time but this about you listening. You can’t solve everything and listening does soooo much for us because it validates our fears while acknowledging our strength.
We, you and I, must improve. 🤜🏾🤛🏾
You and I must evolve, freaking adapt and fucking LEARN. 👨🏾🏫
Or, we became the shining examples of Fathers, Uncles, Grandfathers, Stepfathers, Brothers, Guardians that COULD have saved a loved one but instead quickened their loss.
Guardians, you’re choosing the principles of being right OVER the time you have left with people you feel will die before you. Your principles & beliefs are backing loved ones into corners, eliminating options without adding value. You are the stressor more than relief.
~Kendrick Avant~
For OTHER related readings:
9 signs you may have a toxic father
Raised by a Critical Parent? Effects on adult relationships.
How to STRENGTHEN a father-son relationship
Next related post: A rebuttal to Open Letter to Fathers…
About the author…
allthingsonelove.com offers authentic transformation for Black men, teaching the tools to put mindset OVER bs so they manage stress and better their communication. These tools create habits and routines that Black men use to change their perspectives with Wellness, Mindset and Gratitude.
7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Fathers…”
If I could read your articles indefinitely, I would do so. Because it is fascinating and educational. I believe you have created an excellent piece; thank you for every line, every letter in this line. This is incredible.
Wow. This is how you fill a bucket! A thousand thank you’s Queen!
I agree with the sentiment of this post, but I’m skeptical of the solutions for a few personal reasons.
First, I agree with the sentiment because, while you’re talking about cannibus for physical pain, I grow through a similar stigma with my family because I use psychadelics for mental health. However, the frustration it causes my family members who wishes I’d choose more main stream medicines is very similar.
On the other hand, I’m not sure about the proposed solutions. Well, the first one makes sense. I don’t keep a gratitude journal, but I do keep a journal and it does help. Maybe a gratitude journal might help more. The second one though…. I am not convinced of this whole love language thing. It seems like a scam to legitimize a lack of effort that most people take when approaching intimate relationships. Like, what even is “words of affirmation” but the idea that “my words have as much value as your actions”. The wife and I have had several heated discussions about this. The last one, “learn my why” is similarly problematic. It prioritizes goal setting over living in the moment. I rarely have a why for anything I do, and if I do have a why it’s usually “because it feels right”. So, when my family asks me “why do you do these drugs” they expect me to have some grand answer, but I’m usually just like “this feels like the right thing”
Yoo! *bows* I am excited about your response. That love language was wack until I actually read the book and put it into use. It has been awesome in my marriage even tho my wife refuse to read it. She admits the effect on her is that seeing me change how I approach her and kids. Example, I was pouring my heart in words the other day. King, I was FILLING her tank. Except, I wasn’t. I could see her body language droop, eyes darting to phone, TV, me. I remembered she is gifts & acts of service so I cut it short, told her thanks and said I’m doing laundry JUST because she’d been talking right. Bruh, bro. She put her phone down, kissed me, said “Ohhh! Well, I’d BEEN doing that 15yrs ago if…”. I got more stories, examples, with them all. Shit like that, before I knew love language would cause a fight. I would be hurt she paid me no attention. Here I am, spilling my heart, giving her REAL talk and she can’t put the phone down? I’d carry that to work, be short on patience with da kids, half ass participating because I’m low key PISSED she ignoring me. AGAIN. Everytime, I’m “keeping it real”. She pissed because I “talk too damn much” or “think because I’m better with words, what I say is more important”. Soooo much of that shit has calmed down because I flow with love language. The WHY is all about you, your power, your perspective. That WHY is redefining your perspective, chipping at it, forging it. My WHY can STILL be the fact I’m fucked up 5am, Tuesday, work at home 7am. The WHY? I have freaking Spondylosis and nothing for the 6 bulging discs, 5 herniated discs except liquor & cannabis, kratom, etc. The LIQUOR tho? 🤜🏾🤛🏾🙏🏾 The WHY is your Wins, the story. That’s what you remember, write, celebrate. The house is your what. Sons, bbq’ing under your own shit, mowing naked, unfiltered DRAWS is your WHY. You have a WHY and never cared to give it.
I don’t like the term soft when referring to a person. This is a good one.
Me either. Especially since its used on me.
I don’t either. It took chronic illness for me to OVER-stand that.