Jaffe Joffer & the Oakland Raiders h
“Who rebuilding WHAT you say?” Coach Joffer laughed his signature yelp, “Boi, you stupid.” Joffer, the Prince of Zamunda, has never a faced quite like this. His father, King Akeem, didn’t agree that a royal family member would return to America with hopes and dreams on hunting NFL championships.
“Lions, tigers, Broncos, Chiefs… they’re all the same to me and this veteran squad. We hunt big game and nothing is bigger than a NFL title. The offense is ready of course but I want to discuss the defense. Namely, how we have adapted the famous ‘Knowledge Chase School of Football’ schemes. I studied the history of the NFL, the make up of all the dynasties, the very fabric of great football over the years. The schemes that Levar Chase made popular with heavy blitzing anytime a team goes 3-wide? That’s dead. We do our own thing in Oakland and I’ll make that evident this season. There is no coach in this league like me. I don’t play around, treat anybody special or share information. What I do is win. Period. I make friends to win. I call plays to win. I’m here to win and I’m calling it. Put this in your little blog. We will win the title THIS year. Right now. Watch. I know football and I know nobody in this league puts in the work like I do. The rest of the league sleeps, lazy, stuck on simple concepts and breaking records. The Raiders will different in that we treat EVERY game like it’s an audition to be a legend.
Mark McDougal & the Houston Texans
Mark McDougal is living his BEST life. A former high school football in the greater Houston area, McDougal earned his stripes on the defensive side of ball. He led the Atascocita High School Eagles to five straight state titles. Along the way, he found a new reason to love football, offense. The Eagles were the state’s highest scoring offense every year that McDougal was head coach, 51pt/game over his entire 20-year career. McDougal graduate his 1998 year with a full scholarship to play LB/HB at the University of Texas. His career changed one fateful night when after possession of marijuana. McDougal refused to quit use cannabis on the sheer matter of principle. Now, 22-years later, he stands ready to coach his only favorite team, in the only city he has known, in front of the people he grew up. “Do I feel pressure? No. Pressure bust pipes and ain’t nothing busting on me, in me, near me. Defense is what I knew until I knew more. I believe in attacking defenses JUST like I would play LB or HB, fast, all gas, no brakes, deep shots, crosses, no-huddle, it is all in play when it comes to me and the Texans.
BREAKING NEWS! Black Black will actually KEEP Doug Peterson as HC of the Philadelphia Eagles
Black Black is the new owner of the Philadelphia Eagles and the league’s first, ONLY owner with complete control of his franchise. Black Black is not a company, organization, gang or business group. He is ONE man that built an incredible network of black entrepreneurs, honed their skills led them to outrageous successes across virtually every element of real estate, insurance and industrial cleaning. His sudden purchase of the Eagles shocked even the King of Zamunda as Akeem was on FB and claimed the purchase was impossible. Black Black passed all financial protocols and requirements, within one week, he was the Eagles owner. The majority of podcasts and NFL circles claimed he would fire Doug Peterson and look for his own coach. “It didn’t make sense” said Black. “He just won a Super Bowl by OUTcoaching the best coach in league history. Now. Carson Wentz is a problem. The high TOs games are indicative of his up and down performances and I didn’t want Wentz here. I like Hurts and I”m confident that Doug will develop him and save us all some money. The numbers just don’t make sense. To pay that much for a single player is ridiculous.”
D’Boiya Beast of the Arizona Cardinals
Beast’s Game 1 analysis
“We have some work to do. On offense, Kyler and the passing was almost flawless. Hopkins brings Superstar power to the WR and with Larry providing the leadership, it really took off. I was NOT impressed with our defense. Time and time again, Wentz (Where the hell did he come from) broke our defense containments and made first downs by running or buying time. We have to correct immediately.”
Kyler Murray & the offense
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