SuckaFree One-on-One with FunkyTownKing of the Buffalo Bills (Commissioner of the whole shit)

Aight, this off-season, SuckaFree will run one-on-one with coaches around the league to kinda give the franchise a real off-season feel. Three coaches , Falcons, Eagles and Titans sat down to give their take on the the 2028 season.

What do you do, married, family?

*stares at reporter* WHAT? WHY ASK ME PERSONAL SHIT PLAYBOY! Focus on YOUR job and I’ll discuss mine. My job, my career is built on protecting this league, this franchise, this damn SuckaFree. I don’t do anything BUT hold down the league. I don’t bullshit around with other projects, other franchises, fool around with other games and shit. I AM SUCKAFREE! Trophies, records, stats, wins, losses, everything is ME. Hell, I’m sick of the talk, chatter and fucking “props” to the new Champion because he is the old champion. I ain’t giving him no mo credit because I allowed the success. *stands up from table and lights cigar* ME! Put that in your blog PLAYBOY.

How do you feel about your team? Strengths? Weaknesses?

The same way I feel about every team I build from the ground up. GREAT. Regardless of Superbowls and trash talk, I am the OG Don Da Da of teambuilding and my skills are unmatched, proven, HELL, legendary waaaay before all this Pickens’ 3x nonsense. I build teams that have NO weaknesses and literally everything is strength. Sure lost our #2 CB, #2 TE and HOF LT but we lose pro bowlers, all stars and HOF every year because I am DA SHIT at team building.

Reporter: “But Coach… Uhhh, the fans wanna know”

DAMN A FAN FOOL! I know the pressure on me! Pressure bust pipes and I’m built for this. What is Buffalo gonna do? Get rid of it’s best ever just because he didn’t defeat Pickens, Hawk or Rocket? My career won’t be judged because of THREE stick skill abusers that simply have faster fingers than me. I will WIN damn it.

Who are the most important players on your roster?

The most important? Of all? Everybody? *thinks*

AFTER my HOF Oline comes DLine, Secondary and RB. Right now, its in that order so I’ll start with Jason Acosta.

The kid is JJ Watt junior with the ability to do whatever it required, edges, pressures, leadership. He is everything and the tone setter up front. Jason Fitzpatrick, *tears up* THAT kid *pounds table* is exactly what we stand for up north in the cold of Buffalo.

He came a 2nd round pick but the program, training, coaching forced him to elevate his game. He’s the best CB in the AFC bar none. I’d put him right next to Darrelle Revis or Patrick Peterson as the next best thing to Deion Sanders.

What is your offensive identity/playstyle?

Basically, I’m here for ONE reason and ONE reason only, to win. We play ol’ skool smash-N-dash round here in the NORTH. Ball control. That means we limit the other team’s possessions and punish their defense with Laquan Pittman. He is the best all around RB in the AFC because he runs, blocks, catches and most of all, doesn’t miss practice. His natural ability is the engine for the offense.

Patrick Mahomes is the QB. Nuff said. Do I trust him? What are you insinuating? He’s on the roster ain’t he? Starting huh? Well, then. Stop whatever it is you’re doing.

What is your defensive identity/playstyle?

We’re a 3-4 but if you watch the tapes, we mix things up. It is cold up here and boys gotta bring their fundamentals to beat me. I don’t mind giving up yards but TDs are the ultimate allergy around the defense. I trust that by running the ball, controlling the clock and D’ing these anybodies up, they force themselves into mistakes. Once the turnovers start, they continue because we teach that here.

What is your focus this offseason?

Didn’t I already CLEARLY say we don’t have weaknesses? If I had one, it would be the damn salary cap. We’re gambling on this Mahomes money promise of a title but the deal is done. For the first time in forever, maybe 2021, we are out of cap space. We’ll have to strengthen our depth. The draft will define our entire off-season because of those cap penalties but we’ll get that done. Beyond that, it’s making sure I don’t become one of the clown ass users in the league, nipping at my nuts with allegations of draft cheeze. Bunch of users can’t even make playoffs for consecutive years but always yapping. There are 4 stick skill bullies (tier 1) in the entire league and they dominate everybody else. NOBODY show heart except ME and Bowman243 of the 49ers. Dudes routinely getting wrecked by 28 to the “bullies” like MuthaFugga King. Cats losing to the CPU like Ant Joh. It is a buuuunch of users that are nothing but cpu teams. It is embarrassing how y’all act, play, talk, ask the same damn questions about advances, tell me to wait in private, snitch on others, cry bout cheezing, switch teams and hide from users beating you H2H. PLAY YOUR SHIT AND STFU ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE UNTIL YOU RELEVENT! Fuck all users, their E-lives, their skills, teams, kids cool but about it. Especially the following: *takes out paper list*

“Copycat” Hawkeye

“I know them bastards cheezing” Rocket and Pickens

“Front Running BUM” Kaso

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