Heads up Good people, Evil doers and my #ChronicIllnessCrew! 🤗 I dealt with some heavy emotional issues that significantly impacted Daddy’s Academy of Gratitude. It is not the first time that Multiple Sclerosis has shook up my plans and forced a remix/change. It will not be the last time that MS screws up my stuff either. HOWEVER, it WAS the first time since the quarantine that I’ve broken down. Yup, broke down like crying over the kitchen sink while I washed dishes, in the dark, alone. Where were my kids? They were upstairs, preparing for Academy. (We have a dress code! 👨🏾🎓👩🏾🎓) I don’t know what brought on the tears, snot bubbles and feelings of self-pity but if I guessed; it was the superhero dream the night before. In the dream, I still had MS, married with 4 kids to an amazing wife, unemployed, handicapped, cash-strapped, everything was there just like real life. At night, I was super-hero’ing around saving anyone with a chronic illness or mystery diagnosis. When my wife found out, she flipped because she felt that I would still get hurt. She demanded I quit and just blog/write about the superhero life. Crazy! I was ok until I began thinking what life would be like when the quarantine ended. In my mind, it would be like my dream; back to blogging, writing, planning and designing in this house, alone. There wouldn’t be students (dem kids) to prep for. Nobody to force me to pull myself together on emo days like today. Back to household chores, mid-day sports shows and waiting for anyone, someone to visit or call while I struggle with writer’s block. Yoooooo…. this morning was wack as hell with negative thoughts, dark fantasies and anger that no matter what, I would wake up a little more fucked up than the day before. This week, a friend pointed how much it sucked to be older or sick unable to go anywhere, do anything, hurting all the time, potnas not visiting, wondering when your misery would end and realized, that was MY life every freaking day regardless of covid-19. Sure, an apology was given and I know it wasn’t meant ugly buuuuut… This IS my life now; nothing is changing that except MY perspective. I scrubbed the shit out those dishes, crying and pissed at myself for crying. When the kids made it down for the 9:00am start of Academics, I left lights off and hurriedly slid into my bedroom to clean my own face and calm down. THAT is when the day got better, while I calmed myself and heard them talking and eating breakfast.
I think Academy is better than real school but I do kinda miss my friends.My 5th grader talking to my 1st grader
This was the FIRST affirmation my kids have given freely, openly and authentically. There was no way they could know that I heard their entire conversation about Daddy’s Academy of Gratitude. My 1st grader, aka kid #4, is a textbook Daddy’s Girl. She is constantly filling up my bucket, telling me she is proud of me for something or another, wanting to help do whatever, get whatever. She is also the consummate teacher’s pet, gifted academically and a social butterfly. All that, she regularly mentions and wishes out loud for real school again. To hear the two of them, discussing homeschool in such positive lights, with such animated excitement was refreshing and just what da lil handicapped homie needed. My 5th grader and I don’t speak the same language of love. My words/observations can cause immediate tears, sadness, all the bad stuff with her. I genuinely try to speak differently to her and with her because I’ve read enough parenting books and heard enough testimonies from girl middle schoolers that I terrified I’m negatively affecting her! *scout’s honor! I worry like a MUTHAFUGGA* Over this quarantine, she and I have developed Netflix shows to watch together, planning a shared YouTube vlog and she cooks stuff for me. We’ve come a loooooong way in this first 3 weeks of homeschool and the realization helped soothe my soul and heart. When I exited the bedroom to start the Academy and Academics, I was cried out and feeling much better.
Mommy! Mommy! I had the best day! I helped WITHOUT being told. I washed dishes. I learned 2nd grade Math too!My 1st grader when her Mother asked, ‘How was your day?’
Once I calmed myself down, running the Academy seemed much more doable. The FIRST thing I heard was my son, “Daddy, we got early release today right?” I wasn’t shocked or hurt by that question. Shoot, I’d ask that too if I was a kid. What made it cool beans is that he WANTED that P.E. exercise. He even requested yoga! That was a first EVER. Y’all know kids play video games and ain’t studden hanging with parents and family. He wanted to rock and roll with me. Of course, my daughters chimed in and begged for it too. “Daddy! We like doing P.E. We’ll just finish our work after like normal.”
Who were these students? Are these mugs dem kids?
Sooooo, we did MY yoga. I admitted that I wasn’t feeling well and it would be a short, no extremities, nothing hard session. They responded with disappointment but understanding looks. I responded by going harder than I intended or wanted. I stretched further, held it longer and introduced a new pose or two. By the time we finished, I was sweating, out of breath suddenly all the way out of the funk/depression of earlier. I needed time to gather myself and they responded with begging for a 2nd workout. They wanted something new but stuff I could do with them. Maaaaaaaaan, I was pooped, had that “painful” afterglow but F*ck it, I damn sho worked out with them. Friday was in the books after all my drama. #Whew